Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
