if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
