Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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