my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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