I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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