Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
