I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
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he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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