Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake