I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
