She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
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my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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