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• (313): View more from Michigan

  All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

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• (904): View more from Florida

  There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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  If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn

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• (315): View more from New York

  my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless

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• (714): View more from California

  We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.

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  23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.

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• (805): View more from California

  So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

  (1-805): View more from California

  Sweet. Did I win?

  (805): View more from California

  Youre hungover arent you?

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• (229): View more from Georgia

  Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.

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• (604): View more from British Columbia

  I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb

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• (319): View more from Iowa

  So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)

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