Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
