I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
