I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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