woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
