2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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