Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Your dad touched me again.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
