i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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