Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
