the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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