dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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