i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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