I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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