and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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