I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
