Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
