i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
two words...techno handjob
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
