you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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