Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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