Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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