last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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