jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you win again, gameday.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
