Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
