1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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