Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
