I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
