You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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