I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
