I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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