I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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