Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
It's like God shit irony all over that family
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
