please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
