We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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