I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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