I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
