First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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