Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
