Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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