I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
