I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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