Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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