Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize