i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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